Are You Ready 4 This

those hoes sent me to rehab in june. i got back in august. Looking back at this blog i can honestly say i did have a drug problem. I guess you could say things are better but not really.

Sober?

A very appealing offer from my father has made me reconsider my entire life. A car, a room in his house, and my favorite high school that i had to leave last january. in exchange for good behavior.
PROS
- back in high school fuck yes
- back to making an effort on having new friends
- a chance to actually learn through high school
- prom
- i can just be a freaking teenager again
- my mother can't beat me when she gets angry
- the less time i spend with my mom the better our relationship
- a chance to have more freedom then my mom would have ever granted
CONS
- if i get a job there will be no one to take me there and shit
- i don't even know when I'm getting my license so what does the promise of a luxury car mean?
- no more hunter
- no more daily drug usage

Its clear i have to leave. Ive decided to spend the first month of summer just dating hunter and working a job over here. when July comes around ill move my things into my fathers place. this probably is not how things are going to work out but its my best case scenario.

Now the question is when should i go cold turkey sober? ha theres never a good time so ill just jump into at the end of june or maybe in a week. we will see.

My mom beats me now i guess. I need to get away, but nobody has love for me pure enough to endure me.
I realized my parents didn't love me at separate time in these past two years. Its like once you loose your innocence and smoke a joint your parents decide that you were never worth all the work they put into you which i believe was very minimal at times. My mothers very warm and, affectionate, strict with a strong phobia for change. If she could put those stupid little horse blinders on me so i don't loose focus of getting to the finish line of life she would.
Last night i snorted molly, took hits from a bong , and dabbed for the first time. I came home to sneak back inside. my mom was up with a cop standing by her side. a young little mexican woman trying her best to intimidate me with her stern words and dirty looks.

Been In Colorado for 4 days

My parents thought sending me on a 8 day vacation with my grandparents to go see my aunt and uncle would keep me out of trouble for a bit. So naturally i got on Tinder and checked out the local guys on the look out for a dealer. I have to try the colorado kush! Everybody here just buys it from stores. I am not old enough. So getting high is out.
Robert and i have been together for a week a nice boy 17 years old (an appropriate age) do any drugs. so i had him meet my mom and he asked me to be his girlfriend. sure whatever. Obviously still fucking Gus on the side who by the way doesn't care that I'm 16. Robert broke up with me last night for the second time. this time i blocked his number. Ive seen to much to be with someone so innocent. He also wanted me to get sober. NOPE. bye bitch. I can do better. I fucking will do better. I may have begged for him to stay at the time but I'm already over it. It won't be hard to forget he was ever in my life. People are in and out of my life on the daily. Im used to it, i expect it. I guess I'm back to dating guys who are way to old for me because thats what I'm comfortable with. so let me tell you about Jeremy. 24 years old, sells weed for a living. wants to join the air force next year. He thinks I'm 18 and he wants to love me. I already know he's going to be hard to keep around considering the hours we could be together are sketchy sense i will have to go out of my way to see him without my mom finding out. Why do i get myself into these situations? Ill do anything to make myself happy these days, its sad how selfish I've became just to keep my mood up.
Hunter. 18 years old. about to finish high school. white boy who smokes and drinks probably just as much as me. He listens to me talk for hours and he knows Gus. They used to smoke together. Gus is a year older then hunter and way hotter but some how we all ended up smoking weed in Gus's car the other night. I wanted hunter not Gus. we've been texting non stop sense. Hunter does this super mature thing where he wants to get to know me more before doing anything. He also lives in my neighborhood so it would be easy to see him all the time. 

The next guy I fall for i will do things right. Yet that's what I thought I was doing with Robert, but now I see the fact that he wouldn't describe a perfect time with me as having some sweaty sex and a smoke on the porch naked afterwards, should have been my first sign that he was not what I needed in my life. 

I found ADHD meds at my uncles place and everything is pretty okay now. I know this come down is going to be killer but I think I can handle it. I just want to keep moving. 

i haven't had vodka sense i was still attending a high school. It taste so good like when you run a burn under cold water. Another guy left me today told me to fuck off.

Sex with Brian

How do I even know Brian? I caught myself wondering as I put out my cig and hopped into his car. 

doesn't matter. the sun could drop out of the sky and what would it really matter. Tonight I'm in a weird place. Gus (the sexy 19 year old) ignored my text to meet up tonight. Not surprised but still wasn't expecting it because things with us we're going really well. Last time I saw him we swung on his hammocks smoked a blunt tałked and fucked. I must have taken bars that day or something because I can't recall our sex at all I do know he didn't cum but he still enjoyed it. He never cums. I'm just getting comfortable giving blow jobs again. I Stopped for a while because I didn't think I could do it right. anyway somehow im home freaking out bc I let it slip to Gus my real age. I'm pretty sure I could hear it change everything because oh yeah an hour ago you were sitting up in a hammock asking me on a real date now your not even kissing me goodbye. haven't seen him since.

But wait before I get to Brian I have aboyfriend. Robbie I honestly don't know if that's what he likes to be called I barley know this kid. he's deffinetly short but I think not shorter then me which is a miracle. Still in highschool too which is why I asked my mom to meet him say let me go on a date with him? I don't know what I hope to gain from this but it's certainly not a long term relationship with this boy. It's mostly me trying to prove a point of change. the only thing that makes me feel good about my self is independence . ok I'm done talking I keep rambling because after I fucked Brian I laid but the pool and smoked a joint its 5:41am and I feel more i control of my life. 

Hey man I'm fucking lost 11:10am

Ever sense max left me its like i can't stand up in the morning. I know i haven't had a cigarette daily like i usually do and that probably has something to do with my moodiness, but honestly this crushing feeling isn't something i can ignore anymore. Something obviously needs to change and i can't wait around for other people to change it for me. Just because other people are so so so so temporary. I never understood that until recently.
   So I'm thinking religion? I hear a ton of people find peace of mind through religion. Ive already stuck my nose into the buddhist philosophy. Ive found it to make the most sense to me and even helps me look past issues i never thought i could. The idea of expanding your consciousness during meditation is maybe something i think i could use to find a light sat the end of this dark ass tunnel.
     I need to spend time on this, but of course i have other daily concerns. I have to put in study work everyday. I have to finish drivers ed before i run out of time (its an online course so they only give you a certain amount of time to do it) I already have my permit but the course still needs to be finished so I'm trying my best to drive everyday but I've only drove twice and I'm not the good. Those are whats supposed to be top priority, Then studying up on meditation and practicing yoga everyday. I mean now that I've written this down these things seem totally doable. Now imagine trying to get anything done while fighting depression. Its fucking impossible. I need a new method. My life needs to change fast.
If every morning i could wake up do a couple of yoga poses and drink my coffee while reading a chapter of my book on meditation id have two things out of the way i know id already feel better. get some driving time in then go home and study. with the time have left i can practice meditation and finish painting my room. WHAT THE FUCK IS STOPPING ME FROM DOING THIS???? I FEEL LIKE THERES SOMETHING IN MY WAY BUT I KNOW THAT THERES NOT.  fuck my social life today. i need today to myself see how this workout.