Its 3 days before my birthday.
Im realizing i don't have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but my best friend lives 45 minutes away and its a school night. The other girls aren't really much of a party. If i ended up with them on my birthday they would know immediately that i have no other friends besides them. Ive already put in so much time trying to convince them i do. Ive been trying to convince everybody i haven't lost as much as i actually have. So i figure maybe a concert? My sister could go with me and i could have a good time and i wouldn't be alone. The concert is $15 i can pay for it obviously but my mother said no. She wants me to i guess lay around and eat potato chips with her like i do every birthday. Actually thats what she thinks i do everyday. Im in my room with the lights off curled up in a ball having a panic attack. Its been awhile sense ive had one of those. I mean like months. What just set me off? Ive had shitty birthdays almost every year and i never was this upset about it. I mean it hasn't even happened yet. Oh wait its because i actually have nothing in my life. I have nothing worth living for. I can't have a normal relationship the way my mom forbids it. I can't do anything on my own unless its behind my moms back. She has me under her rock as much as she can. Im loosing my will to live again at least not like this. This seems to be my only choice till I'm 18. Im scared of who ill be by then. Fucking terrified. I want to slit my wrists. I want to swallow a bottle of pills. I want to be put out of this soul crushing pain. Nobody has loved me the way i need. Nobody wants to go out of there way for a girl like me. It hurts me all over, I haven't felt this way sense I've started on prozac. I found myself analyzing everything in my room and putting myself down for even owning these things. I fucking embarrass myself.
I need drugs.
what can i snort right now? what can i smoke right now? Id fucking shoot up if it would take this pain away.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
April 17
i think i just got fucked over in the most cliche way.
12am last night
Max: Im outside baby i love you come out
1hour 3orgasms and, 2blow jobs later
Max: So i was wondering will you be my girlfriend?
one yes, one orgasm and, one blunt later
I'm on my way back into my room
alone.
He came inside me 3 times, i loved it and didn't care about the risk.
i mean ever sense last month i haven't held down a meal, trying to get to a more impressive body. A baby couldn't survive those kinds of circumstances..
12pm today
Max is mad at me for a reason he practically made up. were not talking anymore.
I see this getting much worse considering i probably have his baby now lol how to get me attached to you fast; impregnant me.
12am last night
Max: Im outside baby i love you come out
1hour 3orgasms and, 2blow jobs later
Max: So i was wondering will you be my girlfriend?
one yes, one orgasm and, one blunt later
I'm on my way back into my room
alone.
He came inside me 3 times, i loved it and didn't care about the risk.
i mean ever sense last month i haven't held down a meal, trying to get to a more impressive body. A baby couldn't survive those kinds of circumstances..
12pm today
Max is mad at me for a reason he practically made up. were not talking anymore.
I see this getting much worse considering i probably have his baby now lol how to get me attached to you fast; impregnant me.
Like if i wasn't being such an idiot letting him bust inside me I wouldn't even care that he wasn't responding because he isn't the one I want. Gus is. To bad I have to keep Max around at least till he buy me a morning after pill. I woke up totally infatuated by Max. It's clear now that I'm just a naive girl who can't seem to steer clear of evil boys with ulterior motives.
I mean i may be being a little dramatic but I'm fucking crushed. Nothing is actually bad right now its just knowing how bad everything is going to get can really really fuck with you. I try to have a good perception of everything but, id say from a birds eye view every things a fucking hurricane.
I mean i may be being a little dramatic but I'm fucking crushed. Nothing is actually bad right now its just knowing how bad everything is going to get can really really fuck with you. I try to have a good perception of everything but, id say from a birds eye view every things a fucking hurricane.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
April.15
Shits fucked yo.. I snuck out to stay the night with Gus. Lets just say he made it VERY clear that we are just friends. I mean he spent 30 minutes going through his ex girlfriends twitter asking me advice on how to get her back. So I'm sitting there trying to be that girl who's just chill with everything, but honestly it was so fucking weird. I should probably cut him off, but i don't have enough guys to fall back on. I kind of want to see how being this best friend shit plays out. Ugh i should probably just stay away from him.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
April.14
This is my first post obviously. So ill just throw it out there that i am a 15 year old girl who's almost always taken for a 20 something year old. recently i decided to play along and be that 20 something year old girl everyone thought i was. Months pass playing this age game and It completely wrecks my home life. Im pulled out of school and told to "act my age"
???
How do you go from blowing 27 year old boys, drinking and smoking at college parties, and dropping all of my friends who didn't participate, back to bike riding around meadow oaks with my virgin teenaged friends?
Let me tell you about a boy named Gus. Picture freshman Santanna; can still count the times she's smoked and still gags at sex jokes. I hustle into my 3rd period biology class a very laid back teacher runs this class, which is practically a personal invite for sexy class skipping seniors with no where else to go. One particularly lonely valentines day one of these skipping seniors asked me for one of my heart shaped marshmallows that this desperate oily faced boy gave me (sweet kid though). This boy was Gus and my cute girly obsession with him started when he flashed a hypnotizing smile at me before taking my marshmallow. "BAD NEWS BAD NEWS BAD NEWS" was written all over him. I had to fuck him. Something you should know about me is that if i want someones dick i get it. i don't stop till i get it. With Gus is was quite easy though all boys are quite easy when it comes to intimacy. Somehow i had his best friends phone number (a MUCH less attractive dude). My best friend (only friend really) Sun and i had spent this day hyped on amphetamines. Our plans for the night with some douchy sophomores fell through when they didn't reply, but Sun and i were already dressed up and i wasn't just going to go to sleep (partly because i was too high) we both called up ever male that could drive in our phones and Gus's friend happened too be the only one willing to pick us up and show us a good time. Climbing out of my bedroom window was simple doing it quietly was a bit more complicated but we did it well. Gu's friend pulls up in a mini van with Gus riding shot gun. He takes me to my first college dorm. I play my first game of beer pong. I smoke my first lemon scented weed. Doesn't take long before Gus had me in back of the mini van undressing. "Im a virgin" i say surprisingly confident. "Even better" he replied. That sent a chill down my spine, There was no going back and i was just fucked up enough to be totally down. We never talk again.
I write his name on a piece of paper set it on fire and throw the ashes in the pool to drowned. Im a bit embarrassed of that now but it truly helped me get over him it gave me some closure. Enough closure to move on. Later that week i fuck his 19 year old friend. So this is sex with no strings? It feels empty. 8 months later Gus sends me a text, he's graduated high school. Im going to a different high school now, Im living with my dad now. Im not that innocent 14 year old girl that was in love with him anymore. Im now a fucked up 15 year old who hasn't caught feelings for anyone sense him. Don't get me wrong there was a dozen guys coming in and out but i didn't want any of them very much. Its the middle of the night i have school in the morning. I sneak out my window and Gus picks me up on a fucking motorcycle. At first I'm like "no way" then I'm like "fuck it". He take me to his new crappy apartment and we immediately get down to it. Im ver experienced now and boy can he tell. he whispers things at me like "your mine" "where have you been baby" grabbing my naked waste and saying I'm his. Saying not to let other guys touch me. I fucking loved it. "We're probably going to end up dating" i keep thinking. he doesn't call me agin for a month. I see him during the day this time. While my families at the beach. Im out running errands with Gus. He stops by the mall and we both run in. Im on adderall but I'm still nervous, at least my hair and makeup look hot as hell. He doesn't hold my hand at the mall, we go back to his apartment and fuck. Smoking a blunt on the way back to my house. He kissed me bye. I love him i love him i love him. He doesn't call me again for a month. Are you sensing a pattern? This is still going on with us, but i see right through him now. Now Gus is just a good fuck. I don't really need another one of those, so now i barley text back.
???
How do you go from blowing 27 year old boys, drinking and smoking at college parties, and dropping all of my friends who didn't participate, back to bike riding around meadow oaks with my virgin teenaged friends?
Let me tell you about a boy named Gus. Picture freshman Santanna; can still count the times she's smoked and still gags at sex jokes. I hustle into my 3rd period biology class a very laid back teacher runs this class, which is practically a personal invite for sexy class skipping seniors with no where else to go. One particularly lonely valentines day one of these skipping seniors asked me for one of my heart shaped marshmallows that this desperate oily faced boy gave me (sweet kid though). This boy was Gus and my cute girly obsession with him started when he flashed a hypnotizing smile at me before taking my marshmallow. "BAD NEWS BAD NEWS BAD NEWS" was written all over him. I had to fuck him. Something you should know about me is that if i want someones dick i get it. i don't stop till i get it. With Gus is was quite easy though all boys are quite easy when it comes to intimacy. Somehow i had his best friends phone number (a MUCH less attractive dude). My best friend (only friend really) Sun and i had spent this day hyped on amphetamines. Our plans for the night with some douchy sophomores fell through when they didn't reply, but Sun and i were already dressed up and i wasn't just going to go to sleep (partly because i was too high) we both called up ever male that could drive in our phones and Gus's friend happened too be the only one willing to pick us up and show us a good time. Climbing out of my bedroom window was simple doing it quietly was a bit more complicated but we did it well. Gu's friend pulls up in a mini van with Gus riding shot gun. He takes me to my first college dorm. I play my first game of beer pong. I smoke my first lemon scented weed. Doesn't take long before Gus had me in back of the mini van undressing. "Im a virgin" i say surprisingly confident. "Even better" he replied. That sent a chill down my spine, There was no going back and i was just fucked up enough to be totally down. We never talk again.
I write his name on a piece of paper set it on fire and throw the ashes in the pool to drowned. Im a bit embarrassed of that now but it truly helped me get over him it gave me some closure. Enough closure to move on. Later that week i fuck his 19 year old friend. So this is sex with no strings? It feels empty. 8 months later Gus sends me a text, he's graduated high school. Im going to a different high school now, Im living with my dad now. Im not that innocent 14 year old girl that was in love with him anymore. Im now a fucked up 15 year old who hasn't caught feelings for anyone sense him. Don't get me wrong there was a dozen guys coming in and out but i didn't want any of them very much. Its the middle of the night i have school in the morning. I sneak out my window and Gus picks me up on a fucking motorcycle. At first I'm like "no way" then I'm like "fuck it". He take me to his new crappy apartment and we immediately get down to it. Im ver experienced now and boy can he tell. he whispers things at me like "your mine" "where have you been baby" grabbing my naked waste and saying I'm his. Saying not to let other guys touch me. I fucking loved it. "We're probably going to end up dating" i keep thinking. he doesn't call me agin for a month. I see him during the day this time. While my families at the beach. Im out running errands with Gus. He stops by the mall and we both run in. Im on adderall but I'm still nervous, at least my hair and makeup look hot as hell. He doesn't hold my hand at the mall, we go back to his apartment and fuck. Smoking a blunt on the way back to my house. He kissed me bye. I love him i love him i love him. He doesn't call me again for a month. Are you sensing a pattern? This is still going on with us, but i see right through him now. Now Gus is just a good fuck. I don't really need another one of those, so now i barley text back.
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