Are You Ready 4 This

those hoes sent me to rehab in june. i got back in august. Looking back at this blog i can honestly say i did have a drug problem. I guess you could say things are better but not really.

Sober?

A very appealing offer from my father has made me reconsider my entire life. A car, a room in his house, and my favorite high school that i had to leave last january. in exchange for good behavior.
PROS
- back in high school fuck yes
- back to making an effort on having new friends
- a chance to actually learn through high school
- prom
- i can just be a freaking teenager again
- my mother can't beat me when she gets angry
- the less time i spend with my mom the better our relationship
- a chance to have more freedom then my mom would have ever granted
CONS
- if i get a job there will be no one to take me there and shit
- i don't even know when I'm getting my license so what does the promise of a luxury car mean?
- no more hunter
- no more daily drug usage

Its clear i have to leave. Ive decided to spend the first month of summer just dating hunter and working a job over here. when July comes around ill move my things into my fathers place. this probably is not how things are going to work out but its my best case scenario.

Now the question is when should i go cold turkey sober? ha theres never a good time so ill just jump into at the end of june or maybe in a week. we will see.

My mom beats me now i guess. I need to get away, but nobody has love for me pure enough to endure me.
I realized my parents didn't love me at separate time in these past two years. Its like once you loose your innocence and smoke a joint your parents decide that you were never worth all the work they put into you which i believe was very minimal at times. My mothers very warm and, affectionate, strict with a strong phobia for change. If she could put those stupid little horse blinders on me so i don't loose focus of getting to the finish line of life she would.
Last night i snorted molly, took hits from a bong , and dabbed for the first time. I came home to sneak back inside. my mom was up with a cop standing by her side. a young little mexican woman trying her best to intimidate me with her stern words and dirty looks.

Been In Colorado for 4 days

My parents thought sending me on a 8 day vacation with my grandparents to go see my aunt and uncle would keep me out of trouble for a bit. So naturally i got on Tinder and checked out the local guys on the look out for a dealer. I have to try the colorado kush! Everybody here just buys it from stores. I am not old enough. So getting high is out.
Robert and i have been together for a week a nice boy 17 years old (an appropriate age) do any drugs. so i had him meet my mom and he asked me to be his girlfriend. sure whatever. Obviously still fucking Gus on the side who by the way doesn't care that I'm 16. Robert broke up with me last night for the second time. this time i blocked his number. Ive seen to much to be with someone so innocent. He also wanted me to get sober. NOPE. bye bitch. I can do better. I fucking will do better. I may have begged for him to stay at the time but I'm already over it. It won't be hard to forget he was ever in my life. People are in and out of my life on the daily. Im used to it, i expect it. I guess I'm back to dating guys who are way to old for me because thats what I'm comfortable with. so let me tell you about Jeremy. 24 years old, sells weed for a living. wants to join the air force next year. He thinks I'm 18 and he wants to love me. I already know he's going to be hard to keep around considering the hours we could be together are sketchy sense i will have to go out of my way to see him without my mom finding out. Why do i get myself into these situations? Ill do anything to make myself happy these days, its sad how selfish I've became just to keep my mood up.
Hunter. 18 years old. about to finish high school. white boy who smokes and drinks probably just as much as me. He listens to me talk for hours and he knows Gus. They used to smoke together. Gus is a year older then hunter and way hotter but some how we all ended up smoking weed in Gus's car the other night. I wanted hunter not Gus. we've been texting non stop sense. Hunter does this super mature thing where he wants to get to know me more before doing anything. He also lives in my neighborhood so it would be easy to see him all the time. 

The next guy I fall for i will do things right. Yet that's what I thought I was doing with Robert, but now I see the fact that he wouldn't describe a perfect time with me as having some sweaty sex and a smoke on the porch naked afterwards, should have been my first sign that he was not what I needed in my life. 

I found ADHD meds at my uncles place and everything is pretty okay now. I know this come down is going to be killer but I think I can handle it. I just want to keep moving. 

i haven't had vodka sense i was still attending a high school. It taste so good like when you run a burn under cold water. Another guy left me today told me to fuck off.

Sex with Brian

How do I even know Brian? I caught myself wondering as I put out my cig and hopped into his car. 

doesn't matter. the sun could drop out of the sky and what would it really matter. Tonight I'm in a weird place. Gus (the sexy 19 year old) ignored my text to meet up tonight. Not surprised but still wasn't expecting it because things with us we're going really well. Last time I saw him we swung on his hammocks smoked a blunt tałked and fucked. I must have taken bars that day or something because I can't recall our sex at all I do know he didn't cum but he still enjoyed it. He never cums. I'm just getting comfortable giving blow jobs again. I Stopped for a while because I didn't think I could do it right. anyway somehow im home freaking out bc I let it slip to Gus my real age. I'm pretty sure I could hear it change everything because oh yeah an hour ago you were sitting up in a hammock asking me on a real date now your not even kissing me goodbye. haven't seen him since.

But wait before I get to Brian I have aboyfriend. Robbie I honestly don't know if that's what he likes to be called I barley know this kid. he's deffinetly short but I think not shorter then me which is a miracle. Still in highschool too which is why I asked my mom to meet him say let me go on a date with him? I don't know what I hope to gain from this but it's certainly not a long term relationship with this boy. It's mostly me trying to prove a point of change. the only thing that makes me feel good about my self is independence . ok I'm done talking I keep rambling because after I fucked Brian I laid but the pool and smoked a joint its 5:41am and I feel more i control of my life. 

Hey man I'm fucking lost 11:10am

Ever sense max left me its like i can't stand up in the morning. I know i haven't had a cigarette daily like i usually do and that probably has something to do with my moodiness, but honestly this crushing feeling isn't something i can ignore anymore. Something obviously needs to change and i can't wait around for other people to change it for me. Just because other people are so so so so temporary. I never understood that until recently.
   So I'm thinking religion? I hear a ton of people find peace of mind through religion. Ive already stuck my nose into the buddhist philosophy. Ive found it to make the most sense to me and even helps me look past issues i never thought i could. The idea of expanding your consciousness during meditation is maybe something i think i could use to find a light sat the end of this dark ass tunnel.
     I need to spend time on this, but of course i have other daily concerns. I have to put in study work everyday. I have to finish drivers ed before i run out of time (its an online course so they only give you a certain amount of time to do it) I already have my permit but the course still needs to be finished so I'm trying my best to drive everyday but I've only drove twice and I'm not the good. Those are whats supposed to be top priority, Then studying up on meditation and practicing yoga everyday. I mean now that I've written this down these things seem totally doable. Now imagine trying to get anything done while fighting depression. Its fucking impossible. I need a new method. My life needs to change fast.
If every morning i could wake up do a couple of yoga poses and drink my coffee while reading a chapter of my book on meditation id have two things out of the way i know id already feel better. get some driving time in then go home and study. with the time have left i can practice meditation and finish painting my room. WHAT THE FUCK IS STOPPING ME FROM DOING THIS???? I FEEL LIKE THERES SOMETHING IN MY WAY BUT I KNOW THAT THERES NOT.  fuck my social life today. i need today to myself see how this workout.

a long ass time later

so I'm sitting here drinking and smoking alone. If only i had Gus. If only i had Matt. Im sitting here thinking they are practically forcing me to turn up alone. But wait a second. non of them are or ever even were mine there for I'm just turning up alone because i haven't found the one i want to turn up with yet. Im just not there yet and its ok to take time to be a bad bitch by yourself. fuck men being the completion to being a women. This is clearly something I'm going to have to figure out alone..

April 19

Its 3 days before my birthday.
Im realizing i don't have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but my best friend lives 45 minutes away and its a school night. The other girls aren't really much of a party. If i ended up with them on my birthday they would know immediately that i have no other friends besides them. Ive already put in so much time trying to convince them i do. Ive been trying to convince everybody i haven't lost as much as i actually have. So i figure maybe a concert? My sister could go with me and i could have a good time and i wouldn't be alone. The concert is $15 i can pay for it obviously but my mother said no. She wants me to i guess lay around and eat potato chips with her like i do every birthday. Actually thats what she thinks i do everyday. Im in my room with the lights off curled up in a ball having a panic attack. Its been awhile sense ive had one of those. I mean like months. What just set me off? Ive had shitty birthdays almost every year and i never was this upset about it. I mean it hasn't even happened yet. Oh wait its because i actually have nothing in my life. I have nothing worth living for. I can't have a normal relationship the way my mom forbids it. I can't do anything on my own unless its behind my moms back. She has me under her rock as much as she can. Im loosing my will to live again at least not like this. This seems to be my only choice till I'm 18. Im scared of who ill be by then. Fucking terrified.  I want to slit my wrists. I want to swallow a bottle of pills. I want to be put out of this soul crushing pain. Nobody has loved me the way i need. Nobody wants to go out of there way for a girl like me. It hurts me all over, I haven't felt this way sense I've started on prozac. I found myself analyzing everything in my room and putting myself down for even owning these things. I fucking embarrass myself.
I need drugs.
what can i snort right now? what can i smoke right now? Id fucking shoot up if it would take this pain away.

April 17

i think i just got fucked over in the most cliche way.
12am last night
Max: Im outside baby i love you come out
1hour 3orgasms and, 2blow jobs later
Max: So i was wondering will you be my girlfriend?
one yes, one orgasm and, one blunt later
I'm on my way back into my room
alone.
He came inside me 3 times, i loved it and didn't care about the risk.
i mean ever sense last month i haven't held down a meal, trying to get to a more impressive body. A baby couldn't survive those kinds of circumstances..
12pm today
Max is mad at me for a reason he practically made up. were not talking anymore.
I see this getting much worse considering i probably have his baby now lol how to get me attached to you fast; impregnant me.

Like if i wasn't being such an idiot letting him bust inside me I wouldn't even care that he wasn't responding because he isn't the one I want. Gus is. To bad I have to keep Max around at least till he buy me a morning after pill. I woke up totally infatuated by Max. It's clear now that I'm just a naive girl who can't seem to steer clear of evil boys with ulterior motives.
I mean i may be being a little dramatic but I'm fucking crushed. Nothing is actually bad right now its just knowing how bad everything is going to get can really really fuck with you. I try to have a good perception of everything but, id say from a birds eye view every things a fucking hurricane.

April.15

Shits fucked yo.. I snuck out to stay the night with Gus. Lets just say he made it VERY clear that we are just friends. I mean he spent 30 minutes going through his ex girlfriends twitter asking me advice on how to get her back.  So I'm sitting there trying to be that girl who's just chill with everything, but honestly it was so fucking weird. I should probably cut him off, but i don't have enough guys to fall back on. I kind of want to see how being this best friend shit plays out. Ugh i should probably just stay away from him.

April.14

This is my first post obviously. So ill just throw it out there that i am a 15 year old girl who's almost always taken for a 20 something year old. recently i decided to play along and be that 20 something year old girl everyone thought i was. Months pass playing this age game and It completely wrecks my home life. Im pulled out of school and told to "act my age"
???
How do you go from blowing 27 year old boys, drinking and smoking at college parties, and dropping all of my friends who didn't participate, back to bike riding around meadow oaks with my virgin teenaged friends?
Let me tell you about a boy named Gus.  Picture freshman Santanna; can still count the times she's smoked and still gags at sex jokes. I hustle into my 3rd period biology class a very laid back teacher runs this class, which is practically a personal invite for sexy class skipping seniors with no where else to go. One particularly lonely valentines day one of these skipping seniors asked me for one of my heart shaped marshmallows that this desperate oily faced boy gave me (sweet kid though). This boy was Gus and my cute girly obsession with him started when he flashed a hypnotizing smile at me before taking my marshmallow. "BAD NEWS BAD NEWS  BAD NEWS" was written all over him. I had to fuck him. Something you should know about me is that if i want someones dick i get it. i don't stop till i get it. With Gus is was quite easy though all boys are quite easy when it comes to intimacy. Somehow i had his best friends phone number (a MUCH less attractive dude). My best friend (only friend really) Sun and i had spent this day hyped on amphetamines. Our plans for the night with some douchy sophomores fell through when they didn't reply, but Sun and i were already dressed up and i wasn't just going to go to sleep (partly because i was too high) we both called up ever male that could drive in our phones and Gus's friend happened too be the only one willing to pick us up and show us a good time. Climbing out of my bedroom window was simple doing it quietly was a bit more complicated but we did it well. Gu's friend pulls up in a mini van with Gus riding shot gun. He takes me to my first college dorm. I play my first game of beer pong. I smoke my first lemon scented weed. Doesn't take long before Gus had me in back of the mini van undressing. "Im a virgin" i say surprisingly confident. "Even better" he replied. That sent a chill down my spine, There was no going back and i was just fucked up enough to be totally down. We never talk again.
I write his name on a piece of paper set it on fire and throw the ashes in the pool to drowned. Im a bit embarrassed of that now but it truly helped me get over him it gave me some closure. Enough closure to move on. Later that week i fuck his 19 year old friend. So this is sex with no strings? It feels empty. 8 months later Gus sends me a text, he's graduated high school. Im going to a different high school now, Im living with my dad now. Im not that innocent 14 year old girl that was in love with him anymore. Im now a fucked up 15 year old who hasn't caught feelings for anyone sense him. Don't get me wrong there was a dozen guys coming in and out but i didn't want any of them very much. Its the middle of the night i have school in the morning. I sneak out my window and Gus picks me up on a fucking motorcycle. At first I'm like "no way" then I'm like "fuck it". He take me to his new crappy apartment and we immediately get down to it. Im ver experienced now and boy can he tell. he whispers things at me like "your mine" "where have you been baby" grabbing my naked waste and saying I'm his. Saying not to let other guys touch me. I fucking loved it. "We're probably going to end up dating" i keep thinking. he doesn't call me agin for a month. I see him during the day this time. While my families at the beach. Im out running errands with Gus. He stops by the mall and we both run in. Im on adderall but I'm still nervous, at least my hair and makeup look hot as hell. He doesn't hold my hand at the mall, we go back to his apartment and fuck. Smoking a blunt on the way back to my house. He kissed me bye. I love him i love him i love him. He doesn't call me again for a month. Are you sensing a pattern? This is still going on with us, but i see right through him now. Now Gus is just a good fuck. I don't really need another one of those, so now i barley text back.