April 19

Its 3 days before my birthday.
Im realizing i don't have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but my best friend lives 45 minutes away and its a school night. The other girls aren't really much of a party. If i ended up with them on my birthday they would know immediately that i have no other friends besides them. Ive already put in so much time trying to convince them i do. Ive been trying to convince everybody i haven't lost as much as i actually have. So i figure maybe a concert? My sister could go with me and i could have a good time and i wouldn't be alone. The concert is $15 i can pay for it obviously but my mother said no. She wants me to i guess lay around and eat potato chips with her like i do every birthday. Actually thats what she thinks i do everyday. Im in my room with the lights off curled up in a ball having a panic attack. Its been awhile sense ive had one of those. I mean like months. What just set me off? Ive had shitty birthdays almost every year and i never was this upset about it. I mean it hasn't even happened yet. Oh wait its because i actually have nothing in my life. I have nothing worth living for. I can't have a normal relationship the way my mom forbids it. I can't do anything on my own unless its behind my moms back. She has me under her rock as much as she can. Im loosing my will to live again at least not like this. This seems to be my only choice till I'm 18. Im scared of who ill be by then. Fucking terrified.  I want to slit my wrists. I want to swallow a bottle of pills. I want to be put out of this soul crushing pain. Nobody has loved me the way i need. Nobody wants to go out of there way for a girl like me. It hurts me all over, I haven't felt this way sense I've started on prozac. I found myself analyzing everything in my room and putting myself down for even owning these things. I fucking embarrass myself.
I need drugs.
what can i snort right now? what can i smoke right now? Id fucking shoot up if it would take this pain away.